HORRORscopes – For Those Who Choose FEAR to Get CLEAR, by Surly Shirley

 

me-as-surly-shirley-for-horrorscopes

 

Week of October 9, 2016

Aries – (March 21 – April 19) In quasi-alignment with Amerkin Lost Italian Day, you grow weary of excising the slow ketchup from your precious container. Switching to spicy salsa laced with merengue puts the pep back in your step like nobody’s business. Literally! BOO, madda fakka!

Taurus(April 20 – May 20) In quasi-alignment with Amerkin Lost Italian Day, you grow weary of excising the slow ketchup from your precious container. Switching to spicy salsa laced with some tango on the side puts the pep back in your step like nobody’s business. Literally! BOO, madda fakka!

Gemini (May 21 – June 20) In quasi-alignment with Amerkin Lost Italian Day, you grow weary of excising the slow ketchup from your precious container. Switching to spicy salsa laced with an unmistakable backbeat puts the pep back in your step like nobody’s business. Literally! BOO, madda fakka!

Cancer (June 21 – July 22) In quasi-alignment with Amerkin Lost Italian Day, you grow weary of excising the slow ketchup from your precious container. Switching to spicy salsa laced with slow Rollatizer moves puts the pep back in your step like nobody’s business. Literally! BOO, madda fakka!

Leo(July 23 – August 22) In quasi-alignment with Amerkin Lost Italian Day, you grow weary of excising the slow ketchup from your precious container. Switching to spicy salsa laced with your favorite special ingredient puts the pep back in your step like nobody’s business. Literally! BOO, madda fakka!

Virgo(August 23 – September 22) In quasi-alignment with Amerkin Lost Italian Day, you grow weary of excising the slow ketchup from your precious container. Switching to spicy salsa laced with an odd-smelling home remedy puts the pep back in your step like nobody’s business. Literally! BOO, madda fakka!

Libra – (September 23 – October 22) In quasi-alignment with Amerkin Lost Italian Day, you grow weary of excising the slow ketchup from your precious container. Switching to spicy salsa laced with six days off puts the pep back in your step like nobody’s business. Literally! BOO, madda fakka!

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) In quasi-alignment with Amerkin Lost Italian Day, you grow weary of excising the slow ketchup from your precious container. Switching to spicy salsa laced with poi puts the pep back in your step like nobody’s business. Literally! BOO, madda fakka!

Sagittarius(November 22 – December 21) In quasi-alignment with Amerkin Lost Italian Day, you grow weary of excising the slow ketchup from your precious container. Switching to spicy salsa laced with East Coast Swing puts the pep back in your step like nobody’s business. Literally! BOO, madda fakka!

Capricorn(December 22 – January 19) In quasi-alignment with Amerkin Lost Italian Day, you grow weary of excising the slow ketchup from your precious container. Switching to spicy salsa laced with extra cilantro and cha-cha-cha puts the pep back in your step like nobody’s business. Literally! BOO, madda fakka!

Aquarius(January 20 – February 18) In quasi-alignment with Amerkin Lost Italian Day, you grow weary of excising the slow ketchup from your precious container. Switching to spicy salsa laced with … wait for it … cream of what?? puts the pep back in your step like nobody’s business. Literally! BOO, madda fakka!

Pisces(February 19 – March 20) In quasi-alignment with Amerkin Lost Italian Day, you grow weary of excising the slow ketchup from your precious container. Switching to spicy salsa laced with a Navajo skip dance puts the pep back in your step like nobody’s business. Literally! BOO, madda fakka!

HORRORscopes – For Those Who Choose FEAR to Get CLEAR, by Surly Shirley

 

me-as-surly-shirley-for-horrorscopes

 

Week of October 2, 2016

Aries – (March 21 – April 19) Om ai. It’s barely past the Nude Moon when you find yourself unwittingly cast as the protagonist in the undesirable chick flick, “Single Trite Flea Mohel.”  Expertly, though, you shake off that drama like the Dalai Lama. Boo, madda fakka!

Taurus(April 20 – May 20) Om ai. It’s barely past the Nude Moon when you find yourself unwittingly cast as the protagonist in the undesirable chick flick, “Single Trite Flea Mohel.”  Expertly, though, you complete, delete and return to discreet. Boo, madda fakka!

Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Om ai. It’s barely past the Nude Moon when you find yourself unwittingly cast as the protagonist in the undesirable chick flick, “Single Trite Flea Mohel.”  Expertly, though, you shake off that drama and avoid any trauma. Boo, madda fakka!

Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Om ai. It’s barely past the Nude Moon when you find yourself unwittingly cast as the protagonist in the undesirable chick flick, “Single Trite Flea Mohel.”  Expertly, though, you advise the intruder to take that drama to her mama. Boo, madda fakka!

Leo(July 23 – August 22) Om ai. It’s barely past the Nude Moon when you find yourself unwittingly cast as the protagonist in the undesirable chick flick, “Single Trite Flea Mohel.”  Expertly, though, you make it all look like an accident. Boo, madda fakka!

Virgo(August 23 – September 22) Om ai. It’s barely past the Nude Moon when you find yourself unwittingly cast as the protagonist in the undesirable chick flick, “Single Trite Flea Mohel.”  Expertly, though, you pretend you didn’t know. Boo, madda fakka!

Libra – (September 23 – October 22) Om ai. It’s barely past the Nude Moon when you find yourself unwittingly cast as the protagonist in the undesirable chick flick, “Single Trite Flea Mohel.”  Expertly, though, you insist on the wrist. Boo, madda fakka!

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Om ai. It’s barely past the Nude Moon when you find yourself unwittingly cast as the protagonist in the undesirable chick flick, “Single Trite Flea Mohel.”  Expertly, though, you take it up a notch. Boo, madda fakka!

Sagittarius(November 22 – December 21) Om ai. It’s barely past the Nude Moon when you find yourself unwittingly cast as the protagonist in the undesirable chick flick, “Single Trite Flea Mohel.”  Expertly, though, you shellac it into place with added glitter. Boo, madda fakka!

Capricorn(December 22 – January 19) Om ai. It’s barely past the Nude Moon when you find yourself unwittingly cast as the protagonist in the undesirable chick flick, “Single Trite Flea Mohel.”  Expertly, though, you right the trite with all your might. Boo, madda fakka!

Aquarius(January 20 – February 18) Om ai. It’s barely past the Nude Moon when you find yourself unwittingly cast as the protagonist in the undesirable chick flick, “Single Trite Flea Mohel.”  Expertly, though, you refocus your attention to more important matters, which are more meaty…and wheaty. Boo, madda fakka!

Pisces(February 19 – March 20) Om ai. It’s barely past the Nude Moon when you find yourself unwittingly cast as the protagonist in the undesirable chick flick, “Single Trite Flea Mohel.”  Expertly, though, you contend that you were nowhere near there. Boo, madda fakka!

HORRORscopes – For Those Who Choose FEAR to Get CLEAR, by Surly Shirley

 

me-as-surly-shirley-for-horrorscopes

 

Week of September 25, 2016

Aries – (March 21 – April 19) This week you are stunned to discover the recipient of Craig the List Maker’s Pullet Surprise Award. You just hadn’t been aware that chickens had such a way with words! Could it be due to Equinox? Hmm. Keep hope alive, so everyone can thrive. Boo, madda fakka!

Taurus(April 20 – May 20) This week you are stunned to discover the recipient of Craig the List Maker’s Pullet Surprise Award. You just hadn’t been aware that chickens had such a way with words! Could it be due to Equinox? Hmm. Where, oh where is your leading lady? Boo, madda fakka!

Gemini (May 21 – June 20) This week you are stunned to discover the recipient of Craig the List Maker’s Pullet Surprise Award. You just hadn’t been aware that chickens had such a way with words! Could it be due to Equinox? Hmm. You think not. Boo, madda fakka!

Cancer (June 21 – July 22) This week you are stunned to discover the recipient of Craig the List Maker’s Pullet Surprise Award. You just hadn’t been aware that chickens had such a way with words! Could it be due to Equinox? Hmm. Please. The dog didn’t eat that homework, either. Boo, madda fakka!

Leo(July 23 – August 22) This week you are stunned to discover the recipient of Craig the List Maker’s Pullet Surprise Award. You just hadn’t been aware that chickens had such a way with words! Could it be due to Equinox? Hmm. Unfurrow your brow; maybe that’s how. Boo, madda fakka!

Virgo(August 23 – September 22) This week you are stunned to discover the recipient of Craig the List Maker’s Pullet Surprise Award. You just hadn’t been aware that chickens had such a way with words! Could it be due to Equinox? Hmm. More likely Equifax. Boo, madda fakka!

Libra – (September 23 – October 22) This week you are stunned to discover the recipient of Craig the List Maker’s Pullet Surprise Award. You just hadn’t been aware that chickens had such a way with words! Could it be due to Equinox? Hmm. Paradox? Chicken Pox! Boo, madda fakka!

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) This week you are stunned to discover the recipient of Craig the List Maker’s Pullet Surprise Award. You just hadn’t been aware that chickens had such a way with words! Could it be due to Equinox? Hmm. Take notes for later, just in case. Ya never know. Boo, madda fakka!

Sagittarius(November 22 – December 21) This week you are stunned to discover the recipient of Craig the List Maker’s Pullet Surprise Award. You just hadn’t been aware that chickens had such a way with words! Could it be due to Equinox? Hmm. Maybe introduce him to your double first cousin. Boo, madda fakka!

Capricorn(December 22 – January 19) This week you are stunned to discover the recipient of Craig the List Maker’s Pullet Surprise Award. You just hadn’t been aware that chickens had such a way with words! Could it be due to Equinox? Hmm. Look into keeping a greater distance for greater power. Boo, madda fakka!

Aquarius(January 20 – February 18) This week you are stunned to discover the recipient of Craig the List Maker’s Pullet Surprise Award. You just hadn’t been aware that chickens had such a way with words! Could it be due to Equinox? Hmm. Maybe cream of the crop. The wheat crop. Boo, madda fakka!

Pisces(February 19 – March 20) This week you are stunned to discover the recipient of Craig the List Maker’s Pullet Surprise Award. You just hadn’t been aware that chickens had such a way with words! Could it be due to Equinox? Hmm. Sounds fishy. Boo, madda fakka!

HORRORscopes – For Those Who Choose FEAR to Get CLEAR, by Surly Shirley

 

me-as-surly-shirley-for-horrorscopes

 

Week of 9/18/16

Aries – (March 21 – April 19) All the wrong authority figures encourage you to make your arse more sparse this Full Moon. That’s not what it means, dumb@$$! Invest in a new south of the border wardrobe before the next moon cycle concludes. Boo, madda fakka!

Taurus(April 20 – May 20) All the wrong authority figures encourage you to make your arse more sparse this Full Moon. That’s not what it means, dumb@$$! Pull up, tuck in, and go home. Boo, madda fakka!

Gemini (May 21 – June 20) All the wrong authority figures encourage you to make your arse more sparse this Full Moon. That’s not what it means, dumb@$$! Get fit or just quit. Boo, madda fakka!

Cancer (June 21 – July 22) All the wrong authority figures encourage you to make your arse more sparse this Full Moon. That’s not what it means, dumb@$$! Even the rain in Spain doesn’t want to see that on the plane, or the train. Boo, madda fakka!

Leo(July 23 – August 22) All the wrong authority figures encourage you to make your arse more sparse this Full Moon. That’s not what it means, dumb@$$! Put it away, and unleash the grey. Boo, madda fakka!

Virgo(August 23 – September 22) All the wrong authority figures encourage you to make your arse more sparse this Full Moon. That’s not what it means, dumb@$$! Try google that bad boy. Boo, madda fakka!

Libra – (September 23 – October 22) All the wrong authority figures encourage you to make your arse more sparse this Full Moon. That’s not what it means, dumb@$$! Hire a new image consultant; this one stinks. Boo, madda fakka!

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) All the wrong authority figures encourage you to make your arse more sparse this Full Moon. That’s not what it means, dumb@$$! Process your decisions one more standard deviation next time. Boo, madda fakka!

Sagittarius(November 22 – December 21) All the wrong authority figures encourage you to make your arse more sparse this Full Moon. That’s not what it means, dumb@$$! No, babes. Just no. Boo, madda fakka!

Capricorn(December 22 – January 19) All the wrong authority figures encourage you to make your arse more sparse this Full Moon. That’s not what it means, dumb@$$! Consider switching your workshop choices. Boo, madda fakka!

Aquarius(January 20 – February 18) All the wrong authority figures encourage you to make your arse more sparse this Full Moon. That’s not what it means, dumb@$$! Maybe just keep the chaps on? Think about it. Boo, madda fakka!

Pisces(February 19 – March 20) All the wrong authority figures encourage you to make your arse more sparse this Full Moon. That’s not what it means, dumb@$$! The world is not your nekkid hot yoga class; real talk. Boo, madda fakka!

HORRORscopes – For Those Who Choose FEAR to Get CLEAR, by Surly Shirley

 

me-as-surly-shirley-for-horrorscopes

 

Aries – (March 21 – April 19) This week, Mercury “Retrograde” spanks that @$$, and the dog eats your homework once more. BOO, madda fakka!

Taurus(April 20 – May 20) This week, Mercury “Retrograde” spanks that @$$, and the sun gets in your eyes once more. BOO, madda fakka!

Gemini (May 21 – June 20) This week, Mercury “Retrograde” spanks that @$$, and the you take the wrong turn-off yet again. BOO, madda fakka!

Cancer (June 21 – July 22) This week, Mercury “Retrograde” spanks that @$$, and your drinking water goes down the wrong pipe yet again. BOO, madda fakka!

Leo(July 23 – August 22) This week, Mercury “Retrograde” spanks that @$$, you clear the wrong chakra yet again. BOO, madda fakka!

Virgo(August 23 – September 22) This week, Mercury “Retrograde” spanks that @$$, and you accidentally burn black instead of white sage. BOO, madda fakka!

Libra – (September 23 – October 22) This week, Mercury “Retrograde” spanks that @$$, and you stub your toe on the corner of the couch yet again. BOO, madda fakka!

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) This week, Mercury “Retrograde” spanks that @$$, and you get yet another paper cut. BOO, madda fakka!

Sagittarius(November 22 – December 21) This week, Mercury “Retrograde” spanks that @$$, and you go in too deep once more. BOO, madda fakka!

Capricorn(December 22 – January 19) This week, Mercury “Retrograde” spanks that @$$, and you fart in yoga class. Again. BOO, madda fakka!

Aquarius(January 20 – February 18) This week, Mercury “Retrograde” spanks that @$$, and you accidentally cream your wheat with bacon. BOO, madda fakka!

Pisces(February 19 – March 20) This week, Mercury “Retrograde” spanks that @$$, and you wish upon the wrong star. BOO, madda fakka!

HUMORSCOPES Week of 8-7-16 “May the Farce be with You!!!”

Disco Laughing Jesus

 

 

 

Sponsor: T. Renee Richardson, www.psychic-services.com

Aries – (March 21 – April 19) Congratulations! This New Moon, you moved out of Dysfunction Junction! Use The Farce to shower off. The time is NOW!

Taurus(April 20 – May 20) Congratulations! This New Moon, you moved out of Dysfunction Junction! Use The Farce to shake it off. The time is NOW!

Gemini (May 21 – June 20) Congratulations! This New Moon, you moved out of Dysfunction Junction! Use The Farce to revel in your sanity. The time is NOW!

Cancer (June 21 – July 22) Congratulations! This New Moon, you moved out of Dysfunction Junction! Use The Farce to lean back and enjoy it. The time is NOW!

Leo(July 23 – August 22) Congratulations! This New Moon, you moved out of Dysfunction Junction! Use The Farce to take in the new view. The time is NOW!

Virgo(August 23 – September 22) Congratulations! This New Moon, you moved out of Dysfunction Junction! Use The Farce to create a new decor. The time is NOW!

Libra – (September 23 – October 22) Congratulations! This New Moon, you moved out of Dysfunction Junction! Use The Farce to greet the incoming yay. The time is NOW!

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) Congratulations! This New Moon, you moved out of Dysfunction Junction! Use The Farce to marinate in the deliciousness of your new environment. The time is NOW!

Sagittarius(November 22 – December 21) Congratulations! This New Moon, you moved out of Dysfunction Junction! Use The Farce to take the day off. The time is NOW!

Capricorn(December 22 – January 19) Congratulations! This New Moon, you moved out of Dysfunction Junction! Use The Farce to make some Jello. The time is NOW!

Aquarius(January 20 – February 18) Congratulations! This New Moon, you moved out of Dysfunction Junction! Use The Farce to cream your wheat. The time is NOW!

Pisces(February 19 – March 20) Congratulations! This New Moon, you moved out of Dysfunction Junction! Use The Farce to ease on down the road in style. The time is NOW!

HUMORSCOPES Week of 7-31-16 “May the Farce be with You!!!”

Disco Laughing Jesus

 

 

 

Sponsor: T. Renee Richardson, www.psychic-services.com

Aries – (March 21 – April 19) One fish, two fish, plenty of fish? Use The Farce to serve up a new stew. The time is NOW!

Taurus(April 20 – May 20) One fish, two fish, plenty of fish? Use The Farce to catch and release. The time is NOW!

Gemini (May 21 – June 20) One fish, two fish, plenty of fish? Use The Farce to receive an entirely new dish. The time is NOW!

Cancer (June 21 – July 22) One fish, two fish, plenty of fish? Use The Farce to add some hot sauce. The time is NOW!

Leo(July 23 – August 22) One fish, two fish, plenty of fish? Use The Farce to recognize catfish. The time is NOW!

Virgo(August 23 – September 22) One fish, two fish, plenty of fish? Use The Farce to filter the spam out of your dish. The time is NOW!

Libra – (September 23 – October 22) One fish, two fish, plenty of fish? Use The Farce to rewrite your recipes. The time is NOW!

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) One fish, two fish, plenty of fish? Use The Farce to update your plate. The time is NOW!

Sagittarius(November 22 – December 21) One fish, two fish, plenty of fish? Use The Farce to succumb to a different craving. The time is NOW!

Capricorn(December 22 – January 19) One fish, two fish, plenty of fish? Use The Farce to try a different pond altogether. The time is NOW!

Aquarius(January 20 – February 18) One fish, two fish, plenty of fish? Use The Farce to answer a higher calling. The time is NOW!

Pisces(February 19 – March 20) One fish, two fish, plenty of fish? Use The Farce to close that chapter. The time is NOW!

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